When something comes to an end, there are times when it feels more appropriate to celebrate and times when it feels better to grieve. There are also times, when both celebration and grieving go hand in hand. This moment has sort of crept on me. I did not realize or even dream that I would ever be here. But yet, here I am.
It has the spirit of a confession what I am about to say, and the specter of shame around it, but it something I am standing with, regardless of how little of big it sounds to you. I can tell you, it is a big deal for me. I feel like for the first time in my life, I am making choices and decisions that that do not arise from the fear of getting fat. There you go. A whole career and lifestyle that I created for myself has come from this. And yet, the journey out of fear, out of all the ways I have learned to control my environment so that I could stay healthy and thin has brought me to this place: freedom and the sensation of truly loving my body no matter what.
I want to get down on my knees and weep with joy about this, and also weep for all those things I did not do because of the fear that I would not be able to control things. Restaurants I did not go to, trips I did not go on, people I did not hang out with…can be seen as deprivation or choices made from love. Either way, they entered into the equation.
In all this there has been dance. In choosing how I wanted to move to stay in shape, I chose something that I love to do. Something that makes me feel so happy to be in a body. Dancing to music is heaven on earth for me. And even here, I have made my journey away from dancing to burn calories to dancing for joy. My professional practice, the Nia Technique has been instrumental in bringing me to this new place. Nia has taught me how to make choices that bring me more energy, choices that help me stay connected to my emotional body, choices that keep me feeling alive.
This new feeling, as it is dawning on me, is making me question everything around me. Why I do what I do, and how I can make other choices now that I absolutely know for sure that this schism within me is healed. That all that energy that went into fear and control is now able to go into expressing my love for life and the people around me.
To see the truth beyond my personal epiphany, I have to say that the world itself is not inherently set up for us to feed ourselves with true nourishment. Maybe it was at some point, but I can tell you for certain that when I go into a regular supermarket, there are few things that I want to eat in there. I am not advocating that you do anything that I do. What I know is that for myself, I have created a whole new culture around food that centers on freshness, realness and simplicity. The most credit for this came from the work of Sally Fallon and Nourishing Traditions and the work of Donna Gates and the Body Ecology. And yet, I feel like I have moved beyond their prescriptions to something even more simple.