An Alexander Technique teacher once told me that the best way for me to go through life would be just a little bit drunk. She was alluding to my serious nature. Uber responsible. Anxiety ridden. Since I don’t drink alcohol, well, that was not really an option. But I took her words to heart. What she was telling me, especially in relation to my body, was that in order for me to feel more free, I had to let go of feeling like I had to hold it all together.
Where did the serious one come from? When I was very young, my mother said I would laugh so hard that I would sometimes throw up. And it was because I thought things were really funny. I remember these days, crying and laughing and laughing and crying…and feeling very, very light. And that life was magical.
I have started touching those sensations again doing breathwork and often dancing…touching those places of simple existence when my body so clearly sees that my mind is not in charge and that existence really is funny and light in its realness. Imagine a life without anxiety. Shit would still happen, it always does, it’s part of life. But the possibility that I could not hurt myself with it, that I could be responsible – responding to life – without taking on the weight. Whoa. I am now living for that.
Drunk without drinking. So many layers around this. So many addictions and addicts in my life. Neptune in music and art and drugs and dance and drink of course. If something brings me closer to myself and I want to do it over and over again, is it an addiction? Can I be sober and relaxed at the same time? Escapism versus ecstatic merging. Sex…did I mention sex? Not all the time, but sometimes, sex.
I am seeing it all so clearly these days. I think this is the gift that sobriety has given me. I had to begin looking inside myself for ways to find a release from all the tension I was holding inside of me. A way to move past (or with) the anxiety that is not about escaping but about living in the present moment and in a healthy way.
If you know me, you know that I dance, a lot. But I freely admit that sometimes, even this is an escape. An escape from what, you ask? An escape from my fears, my insecurities, my unhappy feelings, my unfelt life. And most of all, the mundaneness of it all. Sometimes, Calgon is a good option. And as far as ways to merge go, dancing not only makes me feel great, it also makes me look great. And you can’t really say that for all the things we use to feel more than the moment.
To be grounded. The great spiritual nature of this. To be grounded and yet also feel my never-ending self. Living in the moment, in the never-ending river that is life. Okay, it ends at some point, at least in this body. But in between here and there, I would like to be real.